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so bc (before caleb) i've always worked. as soon as i was old enough i got myself a job. my first job was at an expensive shoe shop, a shoe shop who's best customers were transvestites no less. we did a tall and small range and those lovely ladies could not get enough of them. i even became accustomed to serving them not as their alter ego's, there was once a guy who came in suited and booted straight from the office who got a size 11 white court shoes stuck on his foot. it was my job to yank it off...anyway i am totally getting off my point now...

so yes i've always worked. whether it be as an actor, waitress, bar assistant, host, cafe manager, transvestites shoe horn, lets be honest as an actor you do everything but act at times. i would have felt lost not working. so when i had caleb i knew i'd love my time at home with him but would be ready to go back to work when the time came, right?! wrong.

i have absolutely loved being at home with him, more than i thought i would. this is the hardest but the best job i have ever done. every job i've done i've thrown myself in 110%, of course motherhood was never going to be any different. so now it seems a strange and scary prospect to enter back into the working world. how do i do both 110%?

i'm lucky to have a great opportunity to work with a good friend of mine again. with a timetable that doesn't take me away from caleb too much. i'm so happy about this but my work self seems to be having a crisis of confidence. how as a mother can you do a million things at once whilst juggling a screaming baby but when it comes to work you can't retain the simplest of information? i laugh it off chalking it down to baby brain, but in truth it makes me feel like a right idiot and out of my depth. at that point i just want to be back with my baby boy, there i know what i'm doing (eh most of the time, well a little of the time...ok i'm winging it really) and feel i'm exactly where i should be, at work i've been feeling lost.

that was until today, today things just clicked. a bit like caleb's crawling did. i may not have cracked it completely but for the first time i felt happy to be there and a sense of satisfaction when the shift was complete and in front of me was all my handy work. this was then topped off by coming home to two very happy boys who had been having themselves a right old time together.

caleb had been fast asleep when i left this morning so what a treat is was to come home to his big smiling face. i think being a mum in this day and age can be tough. we're expected to bring up well adjusted children, keep a lovely home, and kill it at whatever job it is you do, all while looking good. who came up with these expectations? ourselves maybe?? i'm going to try my best not to buy into these expectations. i am so happy to be at home with caleb and having a job that can facilitate that, i might not always feel like i'm giving 110% to both at times, but i'm not going to beat myself up about it, i'm trying my best and surely that's what counts.

i also feel i need to add i came home to a tidy house and dinner on the table tonight. major brownie points, michael ♥

4 comments

  1. What an exciting opportunity for you! I would love to have a skill that meant I could do a little work occasionally that a) kept my CV up to date and b)kept my confidence up. By the time my two start school, I'll have been out of the working world for 5 years and it already makes me nervous! I hope you enjoy the time at work and well done, Michael for keeping it all going!

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    1. thank you!
      i think having two siblings close in age like you have is amazing, don't worry about the work thing. lets face it retirement age keeps getting pushed up and up so there's plenty of time left for work ha ha. the idea of going back to work is far more daunting than the reality. enjoy this time with your babes, it goes to quick as we're all coming to realise!

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  2. Congrats on the job! You'll find your balance...but give yourself a break and let yourself figure it out. It'll be an adjustment at first. Sounds like you're already finding your stride! :)

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    1. thank you, henna. i'm feeling so much better about it all and it's lovely having other people who know exactly how you feel.

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