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you think that with you being the parent, you are the one that is there to comfort, nurture and protect. that it is you that will always be strong for this little person who is so small and fully dependant on you. then something happens and it is indeed you who is comforted by them.

i planned a long overdue trip to see one of my closest friends this week. it was an amazing week of long chats that weren't rushed or squeezed into a five minute phone call. we watched our boys play together and laughed at the thought of did we ever imagine ourselves here and this grown up.

we left michael back at home under a sea of school reports and which he joked, a week of sleep. being so deprived of sleep i think he relished the idea of some time to himself, but like all things, as soon as you get what you think you want you realise it's not what you wanted at all. so i made sure to send michael the above pictures to cheer him up and let him know we were not forgetting about him. even from afar caleb was the one comforting his daddy and making him smile.

whilst at my friends i received awful news. the type of news that hits you right in your gut, taking the wind from your sails and leaving you stranded.

my nana, only had a few days left to live.

she had been diagnosed last month with cancer, which we had been assured was treatable. i suppose with the nature of the disease, there are no guarantees.

luckily my friend lives in leeds so i was much closer to liverpool than had i been in edinburgh. i immediately booked train tickets for first thing in the morning. now had i been on my own i think i would have been a wreck, but i was not, i had caleb. my sweet caleb, who as if he knew, was perfect on the train sitting in his pram holding my hand (a new thing of his and most welcomed by his mama) and as we got closer to liverpool i took him out of his pram to stand up to look out of the window. such joy as he saw the world rushing past. made me smile and get lost for a minute in his simple pleasures.

saying goodbye to my nana has got to be one of the hardest things i have ever done. she was a woman with such strength, even towards the very end she was insisting she wanted to get out of bed because she had things to  do. i made her promise me to lie down and rest, to which she finally agreed. only on the condition she get up tomorrow (today). i said yes, of course she can get up tomorrow if she rests just now. she stayed true to her word. she passed away early this morning. she is no longer stuck in that horrible bed. she has indeed got up, somewhere.

as i kissed her and said goodbye yesterday. not a dramatic i'll never see you a again goodbye. just a simple i love you goodbye. she opened her eyes and told me she loved me too and said what she always said to me as i was leaving. goodnight and god bless.

i knew that would be the last time i would see her. my sister and i left the ward with raw hearts and eyes swollen from a sea of tear, to be met by mum (who in her own grief was still our tower of strength) and nathan. my crazy, cute, wonderful nephew charging towards us shouting 'mummy' to my sister. we instantly smiled. we were then joined by michael (god i love that husband of mine) and caleb who as soon as he saw us all, beamed. 

i have never been more thankful for those four faces. especially those two littles. instead of us languishing in our grief and anger of the unfairness of it all. they made us smile and share the happy stories of such an amazing woman. i wonder if they'll ever realise the strength they provided us with when they are only so small?

i'm so pleased they knew you, nana and they brought you as much joy as us.

we love you.
we miss you.
goodnight and god bless.

7 comments

  1. Oh I am so sorry to read this. So sorry for your loss. How awful for you. I am glad that your husband and gorgeous Caleb could comfort you and be there for you. They will give the strength to be strong for your mum. Thinking of you and a big hug over the blogging world. x

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  2. The biggest of hugs sent through this message xxxxx

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  3. This is so sad and so beautifully told. I'm sorry for the loss of your nana.

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  4. Sorry for your loss Claire. We lost Steve's Mum when Tristan was 11 months old and I know we wouldn't have got through it without his wee smiling face to keep us going! They really do give you the strength you need to get through the horrible stuff that life throws at you. Love and hugs xxx

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  5. Much love to you and your family Claire. I'm so glad that you were able to have such a sweet, peaceful and normal moment with your grandmother before she passed. It's really special that you have documented this on your blog...one day you'll be able to share with Caleb and he will know that he was part of your comfort and part of this moment.

    love and hugs xo

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