Until last week there has been something I haven't really talked about. Not even to myself. As if willing the very thoughts and emotions away. Not wanting to face up to them. Scared that if I did, I would hate myself.
You see this last month has been hard. As in the hardest month in my entire time as a Mama.
I didn't find the baby stage by any means easy, but I felt it came natural to me. I knew to trust my instincts, because when I did I reaped the benefits. It wasn't all laughs and giggles but it was a beautiful time. Full of wonder and discovering one another. A bond formed so strong my confidence soared and my pride swelled at being Caleb's Mama.
As we entered the toddler stage, I was so excited, waiting in anticipation for the many exciting milestones.
The toddling, by far one of my favourite moments. That euphoric joy you share when they take that first step, first walk, first run.
The talking. Hearing the sweet sound of their voice saying Mama and Dada.
The awareness. They are suddenly aware of the world around them and the impact they can have in it.
Entering toddlerhood just felt like the next stage, and although bittersweet I was loving it.
Then just before Christmas things got a little harder around here. With Caleb's new found independence and awareness, came a stubbornness. Why should he listen to Mama? Why did he need to stop when she said so? Why should he nap? Why did he need to follow where she led? The word, 'NO' had to be the most spoken word in our house.
From all three of us.
When I look back now I think this was where the first cracks in my confidence as a Mama started to appear. My instincts told me to hold strong. But the stronger I held, so did Caleb. A battle of wills was happening on a daily basis. Soon our entire routine involved tears, tantrums, and screams. A simple nappy change, was a near impossible task. As was getting dressed. As was bathing, and the list goes on and on.
My instincts told me to be patient, to see things from his point of view. I was never unreasonable in my requests, nor did I ever say NO without good reason. My main aim being to keep him safe and happy. But none of this seemed to cure the tantrums, and so the faith in my instincts began to falter.
I found myself taking deep breathes before every task. My crime now being I was expecting the tears and tantrums, rather than giving him the benefit of the doubt. My resolve became very, 'well he's going to cry anyway'.
We were getting ourselves in a parenting rut, not to mention we were all surviving on very little sleep.
Then the bug from hell hit us a couple of weeks ago. A kick whilst we were most definitely down. We survived the best we could with a boy who was pretty much inconsolable the entire time.
Then as the bug lifted I was so excited to get us out of the house. We'd been cooked up for so long that the walls felt like they were closing in on us. What ensued was Caleb having meltdowns and tantrums galore in public. Now normally this wouldn't phase me. He's a toddler, of course he's going to have tantrums, and of course sometimes it's going to be in the most public of places. But I was running on empty, and my new found freedom destroyed by this mini monster. A mini monster that I had created. Everything came to a head after a particularly horrible time at a playgroup.
I felt at a complete loss, not knowing what to do anymore, were my choices of parenting damaging Caleb? Was this why he was acting out?
Or could he sense what I was thinking? A thought that had been creeping in for weeks, a thought that horrified me and made me feel sick. That thought being...
That I didn't very much like my son.
There it is. I said it. An ugly truth that I'd been so desperate to keep hidden. Pretending it was all fine, pretending it was just a phase, and I don't mean pretending to others, I mean pretending to myself. My instincts told me it was a phase, but what the hell did my instincts know anymore?? Deep down I was starting to think it was just who Caleb was, and right there was where the very root of my dislike had started to grow.
There were tears. Not from Caleb, but from me. Admitting how I felt first to my amazing mother, and then to my dear friend, Lana. They both listened with zero judgement. They spoke the same words my instincts were trying desperately to shout out to me.
That this is just a phase.
That I'm doing a good job.
That it's not possible to think your kids the best thing since sliced bread, every minute of every day.
That I'm not a horrible person for having these feelings.
I can't describe the weight that was lifted. It was like I could breathe again. As I spoke about my dislike for his behaviour I realised just that. It was the behaviour I disliked, not my son.
Just saying it like that, made it no big deal at all. Who is going to like the behaviour of a screaming toddler??
I'd got myself all worked up, thinking I was the worst Mama ever, when really it was me finding this particular stage hard and unenjoyable.
Since last Wednesday I have felt like myself again, and not surprisingly, so has Caleb. With the bug gone, full nights sleep are happening, as are long naps. I knew lack of sleep was the root to the majority of our problems, that fact just got lost in the chaos. Caleb is back to his happy self for the first time in what feels like forever. He's listening to me more, but so am I to him.
He's stubborn and he's strong, but instead of trying to change that, I'm going with it. I'm approaching simple tasks like getting dressed and nappy changes with giving him more control, letting him help, and I'm happy to report it's working. I feel daft for not thinking of this approach sooner. He's at his happiest if he feels like he's in control. Aren't we all?! ;)
So I've learnt a lot in the last week.
The biggest lesson being that as a parent you will always be learning. Each stage brings with it new challenges. Challenges that will knock your confidence, that will make you question yourself, and at times make you even feel out your depth.
Stay strong. Listen to your instincts. Listen to your child.
And remember. You're doing a good job.
This may be the best job in the world, but it also the hardest.
